Is Anyone Else Afraid to Have Kids?

 In lifestyle
scared to have kids

There is not a single day that goes by that I don’t stress myself out over this question: do I or do I not want kids?

 

As my biological clock starts to click louder & louder {& louder!}, I have started to truly ask myself the question: Do I want to try to have children?

 

I’ll be honest: I have never been the type of girl that just knows she wants to be a mom. In fact, I’d consider myself as being the exact opposite until recently. I’ve always been the girl that quickly answered “no way!” when asked that dreaded question. Then, as I entered my 30s, with friend after friend having miscarriages, failed attempts at IVF & various other infertility issues, it got me to thinking about how I don’t even know if I can have children.

scared to have kids
scared to have kids
scared to have kids

Unfortunately, the only way to figure out if you are able to have children is to try to have them, naturally that is. I’m all about keeping options open &, ever since my visit to Uganda, I actually love the idea of adoption. It may even be the perfect answer to a lot of the questions I struggle with, when it comes to having kids. But adoption takes time… should we get started on the process? Will we adopt internationally, or stay domestic? Would I bond with a child that I didn’t give birth to, the same as one that I did? Would my husband? What about the child… what if we never connected?! Just short of hyperventilating I have to stop myself. First things first: Do I want kids?

 

Asking this question quickly causes me to go down a rabbit hole; there are so many factors to consider &, in true M. form, I undoubtedly overanalyze every aspect of this decision. D. & I have an almost 21-year age gap… is it “fair” to bring a child into this world, when Dad (realistically!) might not be around for all of life’s big moments? I really love the freedom our life offers us right now, would I regret giving that up? D. travels 80% of the time, would I grow to resent him when I’m at home, hiding from the kid(s) in the pantry, about to lose my sh!t?! I know I’m a selfish person, how much of my life would change… & could I be OK with that?

 

And then there’s the questions like, I know without a doubt that I would be the bad cop, while D. gets to be the good cop… what will that do to our marriage?  I’m 33 & not getting any younger… don’t I need to be figuring this out soon? What if pregnancy destroys my body… could I handle that? I just have this gut-feeling that I will most definitely experience postpartum depression… could I handle that?! What if there are complications with the pregnancy, major birth defects or health issues with the baby? Could I handle that? Could my marriage? 

D. & I have been together for 7 years… but we’ve only been married for 2. I don’t feel like I’m ready to make this sort of life-altering decision yet. We’re into our last year with his youngest son… we’re almost “empty nesters” for the first time ever. Do I really want to miss out on that, & the complete flexibility & freedom that comes with it? I’m not sure that I do.

 

So, my husband & I keep putting off our decision by saying “Well, we know we don’t want to now, so we’ll give it some time & revisit the idea later.” But, then I see friends having babies & I remember that 35 isn’t that far away for me, & it sometimes makes me question why we don’t just make a decision. Is there something wrong in my marriage? I feel genuinely happy & I absolutely adore D., but I also feel like we’re still figuring out this marriage thing… we’re still new at this.  Are there times where I feel like there is a tiny missing piece to our relationship? I don’t know, not really. But I’ve always worried that one day I will. So, maybe. Is it really going to be “just the two of us” forever? Is that enough?

scared to have kids

Sure, we joke around from time to time saying “if we had a kid then…” & we giggle about what that hypothetical life would look like. However, I feel like I’m just getting started with growing a successful career… & I’ve hardly scratched the surface on making my mark on this world; my dreams get bigger & bigger every day. I’ve only been running The Dostal House for a little over a year, & I realistically haven’t taken this blog that seriously until more recently as well. I find growing both of these businesses {very} rewarding, as I do my still-new marriage… all while feeling the pressure of being faced with the need to make this incredibly life-altering decision.

It’s not that I am 100% positive that I do not want kids, I just don’t know 100% that I do want them, & shouldn’t you feel 100% about that? I mean, you are bringing a human being into our world &, in my opinion, you should feel pretty close to 100% about that. Bringing a life into this crazy world comes with a massive amount of responsibility to raise this little being to be the best possible version of an adult that you can. I am not afraid to have kids because I don’t feel as though I would be a great mom… I know I would be. I suppose there is a small selfish part of me that is afraid that I will lose myself in my children. {OK, it’s probably bigger than small.} I’m worried about how I would handle it all. I am a complete OCD & hyper-focused individual. I struggle with work/life balance all the time & I am still trying to get a handle on running small businesses, being a wife & having a social life. I can’t even get a handle on things as they are… what would a baby do?

 

Here’s one thing I know for sure: I am very, very happy with my life. I really do love where I am in it & what I’m doing with it. I love my life. Like, a lot. So what do I do with this never-ending tape playing in my head? Can I even have a baby? Do I really want one? &, if I do, will I be able to live my happy life the way I am living it now, but with a baby in the mix?

 

Where does that leave me? I’m not quite sure. But I do know this: There is nothing wrong with my marriage. There is nothing wrong with me… & at the end of the day, I suppose we’ll just trust that we’ll know it’s time if it’s in the cards for us.

Recommended Posts
Showing 2 comments
  • Kristina Brodersen
    Reply

    So happy to read a post like this. Thank you for sharing, I’m about to be 30 and already having all these thoughts. I think society as a whole puts this pressure on women to become moms. My mom had me when she was 38. Her and my dad had just decided that maybe kids weren’t in the cards for them(not because they couldn’t) and then they found out they were pregnant with me. She told me they were never really sure if they wanted kids or not, they just knew that god had a plan and if/when they were ready he would let them know. I think more women than not have these questions/thoughts and I’m glad you opened up and shares your story to bring light to it. Everyone’s journey is different and it’s okay to not be 100% yes or no on wanting kids.

    • Meegan Hofmeister
      Reply

      Everyone’s journey IS different! Yes, girl, YES! Thank you for reading… & thank you again for providing me with your feedback. It’s so reassuring to hear that I’ve resonated with someone, especially in these more vulnerable posts! I hate that we live in a society & culture that puts this pressure on us… & I really wish I had another decade before I really needed to decide. I just want to have it ALL! lol!

Leave a Comment

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

craving cozy