Goodbye 2019, & Hello 2020.

 In goals
pearls

While everyone is talking about new goals & resolutions, I’m over here like “for the first time ever, I don’t know what I want.”

A new decade. A new year. A new day. A new start.  Everyone is talking about it. You can’t scroll through Instagram this morning without seeing post after post dedicated to saying goodbye & hello. & while a growth mindset is where I typically maintain, I’m struggling this morning with seeing my bigger picture.

 

What are my resolutions for 2020? What goals am I setting for myself this year? Where am I going & what am I working towards? Who am I today, & who do I want to be tomorrow? One thing I’m sure we can all say this morning: This last decade  was one for the books.

 

As I sit & reflect on who I am, how far I’ve come & struggling to determine where it is that I’m going, I’m asking myself some big questions.

What does it mean to be “successful”?

I finished my bachelor’s degree in the last 10 years. (I was on the 8-year plan, so this seems noteworthy.) I began the decade working retail, went to work for a tech start-up & began my entrepreneurial journey with my first attempt at business ownership. (I failed miserably, but it’s one of the most defining experiences of my life, to date.)

Opening, operating, closing & then recovering from closing this first biz… some of the best & hardest decisions I’ve made. After, I struggled through what would be next, what I wanted, who I chose to surround myself with, & who I wanted to be. But it was through this heart-wrenching process that I learned who I really was. & this made it all worth it.

 

I learned through this process what “success” means to me. I discovered I’m not motivated by money… but instead, the impact I make. It’s not lost on me that this could be impacted by the fact that I’m blessed with a husband who makes it my reality that I have no need to stress over my financial contribution. & measuring success this way is much more difficult than tracking the dollar amount in a bank account. I am competitive & will chase down a monetary goal, if there is one to hit… but the sense of fulfillment I feel when I know I’ve made a positive impact on another feels so much… MORE.    

What is “love”?

What does it mean to love someone? What does it mean to be loved? & how does one know when they have it?

My answers to these questions 10 years ago look very different than they do today. & they will continue to change & evolve over the next 10 years, I’m sure. The “love” I was searching for during those dating years of my twenties doesn’t resemble the love that I have found today… in both my self, my husband & those I consider to be my family.

 

What love is not: 

selfish. & this has been one heckuva jagged little pill to swallow, as I’ve learned to let go of pieces of myself to give to others & to let others in.

convenient. Choosing love is not easy. I have learned that it goes against every  natural fight or flight reflex in my body. & that’s exactly what love is: a choice. Sometimes the easiest choice I’ve ever made, but more regularly it is the most difficult.

all-consuming. God help me, if I ever love myself or someone else so much that it cancels the other out. Love is not the end-all. Love is not everything. Much of life exists outside of love, but love is (or the lack thereof) a driving force in everything.

1 Corinthians 13:4-13

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues,they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. 11 When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. 12 For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

What love is.

unexpected. I’ve always felt as though I love myself; I’ve never felt as though I struggled with low self-confidence. However, looking back on many years of my life, I didn’t treat myself like I loved myself. I see years of just going through the motions of what those I was surrounding myself with at that time expected of me. I didn’t live life for myself, I lived life for the approval of others… & when I stepped into my own & started showing myself the kind of love I expected someone else to show me is when I feel as though I really began living.

If someone would have told me that I’d say “yes” to spending the rest of my life with a divorced man 21 years older than me with four kids (closer in age to me than he), I never would have believed it.

The friends whom I love & consider to be my family today do not resemble the friends I kept once upon a time. The relationships I have with my sisters now resemble friendships I have happily chosen, versus relationships forced on me because we were born into them.

worth it. I don’t always feel this way. Sometimes it’s hard to love myself. Sometimes my husband is hard to love. Family can be hard to love. But what is life without self love, a cherished love & the love of family & friends?

 

life with Him. I grew up believing in God, but the God I was raised with didn’t resemble the God I aspire to walk hand-in-hand with today. The God I grew up with was one of judgement & condemnation, with rules that must be followed & never broken. The God I know today is one of love: pure, unbridled & unconditional l-o-v-e.

Who am I, & Who do I want to be?

Have you ever sat down & honestly asked yourself these questions? I found it to be a bit uncomfortable & even more difficult to answer. I challenge you to give it a shot. Sit in that discomfort & be honest with yourself. & if it’s hard to get started, as someone close to you to answer this question about you, & see what they say?

 

 

 

Who am I?

I am a self-confident, capable, strong woman.

I am protective, resourceful, straight-talking, & decisive.

I am ego-centric & domineering, controlling & sometimes confrontational. I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve been told I’m “intimidating.”

I am hot-headed.  & I struggle immensely with being vulnerable, even with those I love & trust most.

I am conscientious & ethical, with a strong sense of right & wrong.

I am always striving to improve things, & making mistakes is something I’m learning to learn from.

I am at peace when sell-organized, orderly, & fastidious.

I am constantly trying to maintain high standards.

I am critical & most definitely a perfectionistic.

I am highly competitive, & most with myself.

I am a woman who struggles with resentment & impatience.

I am a book-lover, more than a tv-watcher.

I am a fitness fanatic.

I am in love with fashion.

I am goal-oriented.

I am anxious & am often struggling.

I am obsessed with self-discovery & improvement.

I am passionate about many, many things.

I am a wife. A sister. A daughter. A friend.

I am a Christian, & one who sometimes struggles with what that really means.

I am still learning who I am.

Who do I want to be?

I want to be self-reliant & self-made.

I want to be extraordinary.

I want to be impactful.

I want to be memorable.

I want to be a mom. (those might be some of the scariest, but most honest, words I’ve ever written.)

I want to be firmly grounded by my faith.

I want to be an amazing wife.

I want to set a good example for others.

I want to be the best daughter, sister & friend.

I want to be unafraid.

I want to be healthy, healed & whole.

I want to be honest.

I want to be well-read & well-traveled.

I want to be open-hearted, non-judgmental & kind to everyone.

I want to be heard.

I want to be respected.

I want to be wanted.

I want to be loved.

I want to be inspirational & influential.

I want to be blissfully unaware of other people’s opinions of me.

I want to be respected.

Where do I want to be, & what do I want to accomplish in the next 10 years?

I’ve always been more of a goal-oriented girl, than a resolution-driven one. & I’m seriously struggling with setting specific, measurable, attainable goals this year.

 

Here’s what I know I want to accomplish & achieve:

My healthiest state yet… mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually, & even sexually.

A dramatically lessened carbon footprint.

Become ridiculously good at apologizing & forgiving.

Perpetually experiencing life via trial & error, capable of embracing the lessons learned through the errors. Full of big ideas & open to exciting opportunities.

To be more cultured, more exposed, more aware, more grounded & more accepting.

 

What does this mean for my businesses?  I don’t honestly don’t know. I’ve spent the last few years so completely consumed with creating The Dostal House, that I’ve never stopped to dream about what the end-game looks like. I’ve had so much fun creating CreatHer Collabs this year, but I haven’t taken the time to stop & consider what I want to accomplish with it. & SignedM. has been such a valued way to express myself & learn & grow, personally, that I can’t imagine life without it… but I’m feeling a strong pull to consider what this therapeutic hobby could look like as a business.

 

What will the next 10 years bring, & who do I want to become throughout it? I  honestly don’t know. & sitting in that space, not knowing, is really hard for me. But I’m working to embrace this discomfort. & I can’t wait to see where I’ll go.

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